Lost Love
by Elise Marie
Summary: Pacey is re-discovering feelings for someone that could destroy the group of friends again!


Title: Lost Love  
  
Author: Elise Hudson  
  
Email: emehudson@msn.com  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Content Warnings: Pacey/Joey.  
  
Spoilers: None.  
  
Season: Set in series 5 after 517 "Highway to Hell" and before Spring Break occurs.  
  
Summary: Pacey has some thinking to do and it could change the gang forever.  
  
Disclaimer: All recognised characters, places and situations are property of Kevin Williamson. This story, however, is mine and belongs to me.  
  
Comments: Okay, this is my first Dawson's fic and I hope you all like it. I'm re-writing series 5 slightly, though. In this fic, Pacey's with Audrey, Jen with Dawson and Joey's getting closer to Charlie.  
  
Enjoy!  
There had been four women in his life. Four important women. Four women that he had cared for and shared a part of his life with. Each would hold a very special place in his memory. Each had taught him something. The first had taught him so much that he would be forever grateful. The second and third he had taught all the wonderful things the first had taught him. The fourth, they had been more equal.  
  
Of the four important women, only one had been love. The first was pure desire for the unattainable. The first had helped him to grow up, had opened him up to the experiences of an adult. It had not been love, however. The second came close to love. They had shared a small love-hate relationship from the moment they met. She had broken his heart though. The third was like the second, so similar in their arguing and sniping. The only difference was that he had known her his whole life and both had sacrificed much to be together. The fourth had begun as lust and for a time he hoped it could be love. But he fooled himself, because deep inside of him he knew that there was only one person he could truly love.  
  
There was only one person he could love. Only one person he had loved with his whole being. Only one person he still loved more that life itself.  
  
"Pacey?" Jen asked, walking along the dock. Pacey was sitting on the edge of his boat. He looked deep in thought, unusual for Pacey some might say.  
  
"Hey," he dully greeted Jen, not even looking up. He was too enthralled in the wooden deck that had captured his attention.  
  
"You okay?" Jen asked. Pacey was always able to scare her when he got like this. He never really got that far away look, except when something was drastically wrong.  
  
"Fine," he lied. Jen easily manoeuvred herself on the dock to sit next to Pacey. The last time he had been like this was when he had noticed that his feelings for Joey ran much deeper than friendship. She frowned as there was a bugging question playing on her mind. Who was he falling for this time?  
  
"Okay, that was blatantly a lie. No one sits out on a dock at this time of night thinking and considering something without there being something wrong." She played with a lock of blond hair as her gaze fixed on the moon, shining above the water.  
  
"And you think you know me so well?" he cocked his eyebrow.  
  
"We did nearly sleep together," Jen smiled. She was sure that Pacey would smile in return, but he did not. There was something seriously wrong with him.  
  
"I'd say that I've had relationships with a total of six girls. Three of them blonde, three of them brunette." Jen was unsure of where he was going. "One blonde was doomed from the start, one was you and one is Audrey. One of the brunette's was doomed - just a one-night stand. The other masqueraded as a blonde for the most part and the other ." he trailed off. After a long pause he began again. "Each relationship was either doomed from the beginning or just went bad."  
  
"Except you and Audrey."  
  
Pacey laughed. Not a happy laugh, more a sarcastic laugh. "Except it was doomed from the beginning."  
  
Jen regarded her friend closely. "What brought this on?"  
  
"I was thinking. About love and stuff."  
  
Jen looked at him curiously. "So you either reached the conclusion that you don't love Audrey or that you do." Jen tried to make sense out of the conversation, but deep inside of her she already knew the answer.  
  
"More like I never could." There was a long pause again. "Do you remember back in Capeside when it was simple and just the four of us?" he whispered and Jen smiled.  
  
"I don't think it was very simple. Me and Joey both liked the same guy."  
  
"When you look back though, it was simpler. Dawson and Joey were meant for each other. They were soul mates, each other's first love. They would be each other's first and only. They would be together forever."  
  
Jen grimaced slightly at Pacey's sarcastic tone and the thought of what she had changed. "And me turning up changed it all."  
  
"They could still have achieved their destiny. If it hadn't been for me." Pacey shook his head. "What I was trying to say was, we knew where we'd end up."  
  
"Dawson with Joey and you and me with.? Who exactly were we meant to end up with?"  
  
For the first time in the exchange, Pacey looked up at Jen, their eyes meeting. "Either each other or two new people thrown into the mix."  
  
"Andie and Jack?" Jen asked.  
  
Pacey looked away. "Except Jack turned gay after splitting the soul mates up and Andie . Andie betrayed me." His expression was dull, his hurt clearly visible.  
  
"If she hadn't?" Jen asked, still wondering where this was going.  
  
Pacey shrugged. "So with those two out of the equation, we still had no partner and after Jack, Dawson didn't have Joey. None of us had someone."  
  
"But Dawson and Joey could have still got back together." Jen pointed out, but Pacey just shook his head.  
  
"After their first attempt, every succeeding one failed until they both gave up. Then there was a possibility of you and Jack, pushing his sexuality to one side. Joey and I even hooked up for a brief fling. In fact the only pairing that never happened was Dawson and Andie. Dawson then turned to you and, I'm assuming, you're both fine. With Andie and Jack both out of the equation that just left me and Joey." Pacey's facial expression somewhat softened whenever he spoke of Joey. Jen could not help but note how the words 'me and Joey' were barely spoken above a whisper.  
  
"And now you have Audrey and she has . well no one at the moment, but I'm not liking what you've told me about her and Charlie. And you and Joey didn't have some brief fling, Pace." Jen added as an after-thought, wondering why he had just belittled his relationship with Joey as a 'brief fling'.  
  
"Maybe I just wish it were," Pacey whispered so quietly that Jen had to strain to hear it.  
  
"What do you mean by that?" she asked, feeling like she was just getting to the reason for Pacey's mood.  
  
Pacey did not answer. They sat there for a long moment before Pacey spoke again. "Did any of us ever think that it would be you who took Dawson's virginity and me who took Joey's?" he grinned slightly and Jen smiled.  
  
"You've said a few times that Joey and Dawson were soul mates. I agree with that, but soul mates don't equal true love and true love doesn't die. Ever."  
  
Pacey looked at her and their eyes met. "You didn't answer the question." He urged.  
  
"I never thought I'd end up with Dawson or that you and I would teach them so much, but I did know that they wouldn't be each other's first." Jen stated simply.  
  
"You did?" he looked at her questioning.  
  
"Soul mates and true love aren't the same thing. Every person only has one of each and nothing is written in stone about which one they'll find - if either. Dawson and Joey are soul mates and the best of friends. Me and Dawson are in love, I'm not sure if it's true love yet." Jen finished speaking and waited for Pacey to say something. When he did not, Jen questioned him, "What is all this about, Pace?"  
  
"I'm not in love with Audrey." Jen continued looking at him curiously. "And I'm kinda realising that I never could." His voice was now quieter than it had been throughout their exchange.  
  
Jen did not need to ask him why he thought that. She knew. "True love?" she asked. She did not need an answer, but she wanted to him say it. She had been the one to whom he had turned when he had first fallen for Josephine Potter. Pacey had been so aware of the disastrous effects him falling in love with Joey could have on the four of them. Neither Pacey nor Joey could hide their mutual feelings and despite Dawson's hatred and anger, they began a relationship.  
  
"I don't know why I ever let it go," Pacey whispered. He honestly did not know why he had. He had made a stupid mistake, losing Joey. He had then tried to get her back but she did not want to. He had then left for the summer and upon his return, Joey and Dawson were closer than they had been in a few years. Dawson was now with Jen and Joey was a free agent, except for Charlie hanging around.  
  
If it had not been clear to Jen before, Pacey's problem was definitely obvious now. She glanced up at him, a puzzling question forming in her head. "What about you and Audrey then?" He looked at her briefly, as if saying 'what do you mean?' Jen clarified her question. "Why did you get together with her if you still loved-?"  
  
He cut her off, not wanting to hear her finish that sentence. "I liked her. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to be some bastard. Why else do you start a relationship? Because you like someone and you don't know where it's going to end up. I never really thought about whether I would or could fall in love with her." He looked lost, his eyes scanning were scanning the wide ocean as if the waves would bring him all the answers. He paused thinking about the past few months. Sure he had been attracted to Audrey, but he never thought very far ahead. "Recently, I just started to realise," he was talking slowly now, deliberating over every word, "that I never could love her not in the way that ." he trailed off, unable to say who he did love.  
  
"You're gonna have to say it, Pace. You have to tell her - both of them. Now that you know how you feel, you can't lead Audrey on. I don't recommend telling her who you do love, but you have to break-up with her."  
  
Pacey nodded, more to himself than to Jen. He had one question left. "Do I tell . the person I do . love?" It was obvious that he was trying to phrase his words so that he did not have to say her name. Part of him was finding it hard to even admit that he loved her.  
  
A long silence fell over both friends. Jen did not know what to say to him. It was his decision and she did not know what was for the best. If she did not love him back anymore, both stood a chance of getting hurt. If she did still love him then him not saying would hurt them both. She did not know what to advise. "I guess," now it was her turn to talk slowly, taking her time with every word, "that it's up to you. Can you stand not telling her and living forever in possible anguish? Watching her have boyfriend after boyfriend, while every girl you fancy just doesn't match her standards. Or would you rather tell her and have the possibility that she breaks your heart?"  
  
"Gee thanks, Jen," Pacey quipped a smile forming on his face for a second. "Do you think that maybe she does? Have feelings for me, that is?" he asked, hope lingering in his voice.  
  
"I," Jen shrugged, "I . I really don't know, Pace. I'm sorry."  
  
Pacey nodded for no real reason. "Thanks," he mumbled before getting to his feet and getting off the boat.  
  
"Where you going?" Jen asked, curious as to whom he would go to first.  
  
"I have to break up with Audrey before I decide on anything else." He paused, his back to Jen. "Wish me luck." He did not wait for an answer before he began to walk off.  
  
He was already at the end of the dock when Jen whispered, "Good luck, Pace."  
  
Pacey exhaled deeply before knocking twice on the dorm-room door. He and Audrey had only been dating a few months and most of that was in secret. Both had felt uncomfortable to say the least at dating each other. Joey and he had been apart for four months when the attraction had started with Audrey. He should have known that there was still something there for Joey when he had felt a slight twinge of hurt when she and Dawson had got back to together.  
  
The door opened and Pacey's eyes opened wide when he saw Joey standing on the other side. "Jo!" Pacey said, his voice going up an octave or two.  
  
"Pace," she smiled, opening the door wider.  
  
Pacey stepped into the smallish room and shook his head. He hated it when she smiled because it made him melt. It was her smile that had set off his course of thought over the past few days. Joey's most recent love entanglement was with a guy named Charlie. He was Jen's ex and they had broken up because he had cheated on her. He was not deemed the most trustworthy or respectable guy in the world and in that respect it had been doomed from the beginning. When it had got complicated and Joey had needed someone to talk to, Pacey had been there to try and help her sort out what to do. Audrey had been visiting her mother for the weekend when Charlie had confused Joey. Joey was troubled because she liked a guy who could only really be described as a womaniser. She had immediately rung Pacey, who was then hit with a large sense of déjà vu. Two years ago Joey was dating a guy named AJ. When that had hit the rails, she had asked for Pacey's help. Pacey had given his help and then his heart. Pacey was unsure as to why Joey had turned to him, he was not Charlie's greatest supporter. After a call from Joey, Pacey raced round to her dorm-room. They had talked all night long about everything going on. Charlie, Audrey, about how she really felt of Dawson and Jen and how proud he was at what she had succeeded. Finally, when exhaustion got the best of them, they had both fallen asleep on top of her bed.  
  
Thinking back to the week before, Pacey had gone around as a friend. However, the following morning after waking up he had looked at Joey sleeping lightly cuddled up against his chest. She had blinked sleepily, rubbed her eyes and then smiled at him before whispering a soft but honest thank-you. It was that simple every day thing that had got Pacey's heart doing double time. He remembered all the mornings aboard the 'True Love' boat when he had watched her sleep and wake up.  
  
From that morning onwards, every little thing that Joey did made him love her. The way she smiled at someone's joke. The way she called him 'Witter' and looked at him when he called her 'Potter'. He loved the way she tucked her hair behind her ear when she was nervous and gently bit her lip as she concentrated.  
  
"I was just on my way out," Joey said, bringing Pacey back from his thoughts.  
  
Pacey turned to look at her. She was dressed in simple jeans and plain t- shirt. "Got a date, Potter?"  
  
She shook her head, an embarrassing flush creeping onto her cheeks. "Only with the library. What can I help you with?" she asked.  
  
He loved the way that she worked so much. It was largely due to her that he ever graduated high-school. "I was . looking for Audrey." Part of him wanted to run away, to lose these feelings, to forget about Josephine Potter. Another part of him wished that he had never lost her in the first place, that he had never been stupid enough to lose her.  
  
"She's just phoned. She's on her way back. Feel free to wait. I've," she pointed to the door, "got to go."  
  
Pacey just nodded as he stared out of the window. He could not bring himself to look at her. He feared that seeing her, concentrating on her would make him want to kiss her with all he had in him. He already wanted to kiss her, but looking at her now and seeing her beautiful smile would make him do it. He really could not kiss her now. He could not do that to Audrey. He could not cheat on her. He could not risk losing Joey's friendship either. He would not be telling her until he had thought about it in greater detail.  
  
Joey studied Pacey for a while. "Pace, are you okay?" she asked. He seemed pre-occupied and it concerned Joey.  
  
Pacey nodded. "Yeah, I'm fine."  
  
Both Pacey and Joey knew that it was a lie, but Joey let it slide, just for now. "You ever need to talk, I'm here. Okay?" He did not reply and she quietly left the room, closing the door behind her.  
  
Pacey turned to the door after it had clicked shut. Two years ago he had been responsible for destroying the fragile group of six that were his friends. They had all managed to gravitate back to a friendship, but here he was about to destroy it again. Sometimes Pacey believed what everyone else thought about him. He was an idiot. A complete and utter idiot who would end up alone - no girl to love, no family and no friends.  
  
Audrey was humming to herself as she walked back to her dorm-room. She had just been to the Laundromat to wash her clothes. She was happy at the moment and she was not fully sure why. That was a lie, she knew why she was happy. She had been in love twice in her life and had slept with more than her fair share of men. She was currently in love for the second time and it was with Pacey Witter. Their relationship had been one of pure lust for a while - just a casual roll in the hay at every opportunity. She had felt uncomfortable at first, dating her roommate's ex, but neither of them could deny the feelings that had developed.  
  
As she put her hand on the door handle, Audrey's humming evolved into actual singing. "I'm just a teenage dirtbag, baby! I'm just a teenage dirtbag, baby! Listen to Iron Maiden, baby, with me. Wooo-oh-oh! Yeah, I'm just a-" She stopped as she opened the door and saw Pacey standing there. "Pacey," she greeted, putting her washing down on the floor and hugging her boyfriend. She was still slightly amazed at how open she was with Pacey. She was totally at ease at singing like an idiot in front of him.  
  
Pacey tried to smile as Audrey flung herself at him. He tried to hug her back, too. Little things that had made him laugh and smile a week ago, no longer did. He was sure that she had noticed his mood, but she had not questioned it. He could not believe that she was that oblivious. "Hey," he greeted, trying to pull away slightly.  
  
She looked up at him from their slightly pulled apart positions. She smiled and said, "What are you doing here? I thought you were working tonight."  
  
He hated himself when she smiled. She seemed so happy just being with him and he had to be the one to break her heart. He wished that he did not feel this way, that he did not have to say what he had to. "I, uh, I got the night off at the last minute." It was only a partial lie. He had told Audrey that he was working. That was a lie. Him having the evening off was the truth. He had been trying to avoid her for a week, needing to sort out his head and decide what he wanted.  
  
He had finally decided.  
  
"Cool," Audrey said, not moving any further away from the hug. "We could go to the movies and catch the new Brad Pitt film. I hear he's." she continued to talk but Pacey was not listening. He kept trying to interrupt her, but she would not listen. She just continued talking. Joey never rambled on like this, Pacey thought before realising that he was comparing the two girls. That just was not right.  
  
"Audrey!" he suddenly found himself shouting. He placed his hands on her upper arms, finally managing to push her away. "I don't want to go out anywhere tonight."  
  
Audrey smiled, raising her eyebrows. "Really?" she questioned, licking her lips seductively. Seven days ago, Pacey would have been like putty in her hands, but today was different. Now more than ever it was obvious that he did not love her, at least not in the way that he should. Just moments before Joey had been in the room and a simple smile was able to take hi breath away. "Well, I'm sure we could just stay in." She moved closer to him again, putting her arms up around his neck and leaning in closely.  
  
Pacey reached up and took hold of her hands. Removing her arms from around his neck, Pacey held her hands down in between them. He stared down at his feet trying to find a way to get the words out.  
  
Audrey began to sense that something was wrong. For one thing Pacey had a serious look on his face and secondly, Pacey never turned down sex. He had seemed quite distant recently though, Audrey thought. She had not really taken much notice of it, deciding to believe that it was *just* because he was busy working. It had never entered her mind that he might have been purposefully avoiding her. "Pacey, what's wrong?" she asked as her voice quivered slightly. She was scared. All of a sudden everything looked different, everything that had been so happy and perfect just moments ago looked the complete opposite.  
  
"Audrey," he whispered. He did not know where to start. He was at a complete loss of words. "I . I'm not too sure where to start."  
  
She pulled her hands away from his and took a step away from him. "Um, let's try if this is gonna end okay, you'll re-take my hand right now." She looked at him with hope. When he did not re-take her hand, her world came tumbling down. He merely stood there looking at his feet. He wanted to comfort her about what was to come, but that was only fair to him and not her.  
  
"Oh!" Audrey nearly began sobbing. She was not sure what was going on. "Are you about to break up with me?" she asked, already knowing the answer.  
  
Pacey nodded. He was still looking at the floor. He was too ashamed at his actions and feelings to look at her.  
  
Audrey tried her hardest to stop herself from screaming and crying right there and then. She would not give him that satisfaction. "Why?" The words came out stern, laced with fear and despair. She first waited for an answer and then gave up. "What have I done?" she pleaded with him.  
  
He finally looked up, meeting her eyes. They were brimming with tears and her cheeks were flushed. "You didn't do anything, Audrey. I swear this has nothing to do with you. It's me." His voice filled with pain. He never had any intention of hurting her.  
  
"That's what the dumper always says and it's crap. One day we were fine, the next you're avoiding me and distant and then the next day you're . you're breaking up with me. I deserve an explanation." She shivered. Her world was dizzy and her mind blurry.  
  
Pacey nodded, once again not able to bring himself to look at her. "Yes, you do. I just don't know what to tell you." He was also on the verge of tears. His feelings toward Joey were growing into what they were just seven months ago, maybe even more. The pain that he could see in Audrey's eyes was getting too much for him to bear.  
  
"Why?" she no longer sounded upset. Now she seemed angry and Pacey could not blame her.  
  
"I . I'm not sure what to say." Did he tell her that he loved someone else? That he did not love her? Did he tell her who it was that he did love? He questioned himself.  
  
"Do you . Do you love me, Pacey?" she asked and when he shook his head 'No', she gasped. "Did you ever?" she asked, her voice getting higher.  
  
Without looking at her he knew that she was either crying or close to tears. "No," he whispered.  
  
"Could you have?" she asked, desperately trying to hold onto the slightest slither of hope. He just stood there. "At any point in the future could you have loved me or has something happened to change things?" She needed to know what had caused him to change his mind. She needed to know if there was something she could change.  
  
Pacey shook his head. "No, I could never have loved you," he continued to whisper. For some reason he hoped that if he whispered it would bring about less pain for her.  
  
She laughed slightly, in between quiet sobs. "Is there . Is there someone else?" It was the question she feared to ask for she feared the answer. She did not want to learn that he had been having an affair and cheating behind her back.  
  
He wished that she did not need the answer to that question. He did not want to tell her who it was. She was right though, she deserved some form of explanation. "Don't make me answer that," he gulped, pleading for her to not continue with this. He was not ready to tell her who he loved. He did not even know if he was ready to tell the person he *did* love that.  
  
"You lying coward," she spat, her eyes red and filled with hurt. "You don't get any requests. We're not here to make you feel better. Now answer the question." She was now virtually yelling at him, but she needed to know.  
  
"Yes," he whispered. It was barely audible so after she did not say anything, Pacey repeated himself louder. "Yes, there is someone else."  
  
"I heard," Audrey snapped bitterly.  
  
"I have to explain." He raised his hands to his head not even knowing how he could explain this.  
  
"You don't have to do anything except get out." When he did not move she shouted, "Get out!"  
  
"Let me explain. Yes, there is someone else, but they don't know." This seemed to grab her attention. "I'm in love with somebody, but they don't know that I love them and I have no idea if they love me. I did not cheat on you, Audrey, I'm not even sure if I'm going to tell them. I just . I didn't think it was fair for you."  
  
Audrey nodded slowly, her head bowed. She opened the door and said, "If you're not going to leave, I will."  
  
Pacey sighed. There was no reason for him to stay. He had said what he had come to. There was nothing left to do or say except for one thing. He walked towards the door and paused by her side. "I'm sorry." He knew that it held no meaning right now, that she would not care if he were sorry or not, but he had needed to say it. He then continued walking out of the room. He heard the door slam behind him and Audrey begin to cry. He hung his head in shame before continuing out of the dorm.  
  
He was a bastard.  
  
And an idiot.  
  
Joey shifted the large pile of books that she held in her arms to the right one and then used her left hand to open the door to her dorm-room. It was the end of spring term and almost every student would be going on spring break in just a few days. Joey and her roommate, Audrey, were heading to Audrey's parents place with Pacey, Jack and Jen, while Dawson was heading off to LA to meet with some film producers.  
  
Not many other students had been to the library in their last week before spring break and not many had just checked out five texts for the next semester. Joey liked to get ahead of herself, however, and would probably spend spring break studying a bit after returning from the group holiday.  
  
As she opened the door she noticed the sound of someone crying. Once the door was open wide Joey saw Audrey crying into a pillow. She was sitting on the floor, leaning on the edge of one of the beds sobbing her heart out.  
  
"Audrey?" Joey questioned, putting the books down and closing the door behind her. Joey slowly started to move across the room to where Audrey was huddled. When Joey had left, Pacey had been here and now there was no Pacey but Audrey was in floods of tears. "What's the matter?" she asked, crouching down by her friend's side.  
  
Audrey just continued to sob.  
  
"Audrey," Joey said, fear in her voice, "honey, calm down. What happened?"  
  
The sobs began to subside slightly and Audrey looked up at Joey. "Pacey," she managed to say in between large gulps of air.  
  
"Pacey?" Joey questioned. "What did he do?"  
  
"It's over," Audrey wailed before descending into uncontrollable sobs.  
  
Joey put her arms around her friend, hugging her tightly. "Oh, Audrey, I'm," she did not know what to say, "I'm sorry." It sounded as pathetic out loud as it had in her head. The words did nothing to Audrey, she just continued to sob and wail in Joey's arms. Joey had no idea what to do, so she just sat there rocking Audrey backwards and forwards while stroking her back.  
  
Suddenly out of nowhere, Audrey stopped crying and pulled away from Joey. "I'm gonna go home. Tonight," she added. Without waiting for a reply from Joey, Audrey stood up and began to gather together her already packed suitcases.  
  
"Wait, Audrey, you should think about this." Joey protested. She knew what it was like to make rash judgements, two summers ago she had made a spur of the moment decision to sail away with Pacey.  
  
"Think about what?" Audrey shouted. "I was going in a few days anyway and the only thing keeping me here was Pacey." She said his name with such hatred that Joey cringed. "He was the only reason that I was staying, the only reason that I would stay." She sighed angrily.  
  
"You need your friends right now," Joey started, but Audrey stopped her with an icy stare.  
  
"Yeah, I do, but I don't need *his* friends to comfort me." Audrey then turned to pick up her cell phone, not once looking at Joey's hurt expression.  
  
"I AM your friend and who are you ringing?" Joey asked, tears in her eyes.  
  
"The airlines. I'm finding out when the next available flight out of here is."  
  
"Audrey."  
  
"Joey, I'm fine. I just need to be away from him and my friends that were his friends way before I showed up. Okay?"  
  
Reluctantly Joey nodded, understanding a little better now. "Can I come to the airport?"  
  
Audrey's lips curved into a small smile, a very small smile.  
  
Joey was on her way to see Pacey. It was the day after he had broken up with Audrey and at ten in the morning, Joey had just watched Audrey leave on a plane. After phoning the airport, Audrey had spent the rest of the evening and most of the night crying on Joey's shoulder. Joey now had to get the other side of the story - after bringing Pacey down a peg or two. She had no idea what had possessed Pacey, but he had cruelly broken Audrey's heart and Joey had to have a go at him. To add to this, at ten in the morning it was highly unlikely that Pacey was even awake yet.  
  
She stepped onto his boat and pushed the door gently. It was open. That was typical of Pacey to leave his door unlocked. He trusted the whole entire world. Maybe it was the curse of growing up in a small town. Joey crept down the stairs slowly and quietly. Once at the bottom of the stairs Joey could see Pacey. He was lying on his bed. The bed they had platonically shared just over a week ago, Joey reminded herself. He looked so peaceful lying there on his back, the sheets revealing his chest to the cool air of the boat. It reminded Joey of the three months they had lived together on a boat a bit smaller than this one.  
  
Joey shook her head. She was angry with him. She had to stay angry with him. Looking around her surroundings, Joey saw the perfect object. She picked up the glass, filled it with ice-cold water and walked over to the bed. In one swift movement Joey threw the contents of the glass over the sleeping man. She then took a step back and crossed her arms angrily.  
  
Pacey immediately woke up, shaking his head like a dog out in the rain. He turned to look at the source of the cold water and saw Joey. "Potter, what the Hell are you doing?" His voice thick with sleep and surprise.  
  
"Me? What am *I* doing? What are you doing more like?"  
  
He stared at her in confusion for a second and then realisation hit him. "Audrey."  
  
"Yeah, Audrey," Joey nodded. "Did you forget her that easily?"  
  
Pacey's head dropped in exasperation. "No." He stood up, keeping hold of the sheet around his waist. "What did she tell you?" he asked, wondering if Joey knew he were in love with someone else. If she did could she be clever enough to figure out that it was her?  
  
"She's gone."  
  
Pacey wiped his free hand over his wet face. "What?"  
  
"She left. Last night. She went home." She stared Pacey directly in the eyes and was slightly surprised to see shame reflected in them.  
  
Pacey then bowed his head and turned his back on Joey. "I'm . sorry. I didn't mean to hurt her." He paused. "It's complicated." He whispered, more to the wall than to her.  
  
"Pacey, what's going on?" Joey asked, stepping towards him and putting her right hand on his right arm. "She didn't tell me anything except you'd broken up with her. She spent the rest of the night crying."  
  
Pacey yanked his arm away from her touch. "I don't need to feel any more guilty than I already do, okay? I feel like crap."  
  
Joey was hurt that he had moved away from her touch. She stepped around him so that she was standing crushed between the wall and him. "Why *did* you break up with her? I mean, to feel that bad, what on earth could the reason be?" She tried to get him to look at her, but he was intent on staring at the floor. She raised her left hand to gently bring his chin up. Their eyes met, his reluctantly. "Pacey?" she whispered softly.  
  
"I didn't love her," he whispered. He could feel his hands begin to shake. He had not wanted to go into this right now. He wished that he had time to think about this a bit more carefully. He was still not sure if he had decided to tell her or not. Did she feel anything back for him? Was she still in love with Dawson? Or Charlie? Would it ruin their relationship? Or improve it?  
  
"You didn't love her?" Joey repeated. Her belly was making unusual flip- flops for what she thought was no reason at all. "Why did you have to break up with her? Plenty of people go out with each other without loving them. I went out with Jack and I didn't love him. Relationships don't always start with people in love, Pacey. Some are about an attraction that may or may not grow into love. Had you given it enough chance?"  
  
Pacey looked her in the eye. His heart was beginning to beat faster out of fear. "I could never have loved her." He wanted to add 'the way I love you', but he did not. If he said that he could either gain everything he dreamed for or lose it all.  
  
"How do you know that? Had you given it enough time? You were quite happy to date Tamara when you did not love her. You were happy to sleep with Jen with there being no love involved. And what about Karen?" Joey swallowed. She was blabbering but all she could really think about was the intense stare of Pacey's eyes. She knew without a word what it was that haunted him. It was her. But that couldn't be, she must be mis-reading him because he stopped loving her a long time ago.  
  
"Okay, I don't need a history of my sex life," he said in annoyance. He moved away from her. If he was about to tell her he loved her, he did not want it to be in an angry way.  
  
"Sorry," she apologised, "I just really don't understand what's going on."  
  
Pacey began to pace slightly. His boat was not exactly large enough to pace in when there was only one person and it was even harder when there were two. "I couldn't love Audrey. Ever." It was now or never. He had to say it. He had to risk her friendship in the hope of romance. "Because," he said each word slowly and carefully, "I'm in love with somebody else." His heart felt like it was beating in his throat now. He was beginning to sweat and he felt very aware that all he was clothed in was a white bed-sheet.  
  
"What?" Joey screeched, her mind trying to process what he was saying. Had he cheated on Audrey? "With who?" Joey could not believe what she was hearing. She could not believe that Pacey would cheat on anyone. She knew him too well and he would never do that.  
  
Pacey could tell what she was thinking. She thought that because he was in love with someone else that meant he had been having an affair. "I was faithful to her." He looked her in the eye and she looked at him in confusion.  
  
"Pacey, just answer the question: who are you in love with?" Deep down she already knew the answer, but she needed him to say it.  
  
It was now or never, Pacey thought. He may as well tell her, after all, she would leave the boat as soon as the words left his mouth and he could just sail away. Sail off into the sunset, yeah that was a plan. He could tell her, he had nothing to lose because if he returned she would have forgotten about this. And if it went badly he did not have to return, he did not have to ever see her again.  
  
What had his brother said about him? That he would end up alone with no girl and no friends. Maybe his brother would become a fortune-teller after all.  
  
Pacey turned to Joey, their eyes meeting. He had only felt this nervous and sick a few times before and each time had been because of Joey. What would he do if she did walk off? If she said that she could never love him? If she admitted to still loving Dawson? What if she were about to break his heart?  
  
"Well?" Joey demanded. Why was it so hard for Pacey to admit who he loved? Unless it was someone that they knew, someone in a relationship, someone he should not love. Like Jen, it could be Jen. Or he could still love Andie. Maybe he had bumped into Tamara in town.  
  
It was now or never. He had to do it. He had to tell her. He had to. Just say it. One word. One little, three letter word. One word that could destroy everything. Bite the bullet. Do it. Now. "You."  
  
He watched as Joey's eyes opened wide in shock. It was as good as he had hoped for. His dream would be for her to jump him - highly unlikely. His nightmare would be for her to run away or laugh - still slightly likely. Shock was okay, it did not mean either his dream or nightmare were coming true. That he could handle.  
  
He should say something else, though. He should break the silence because she was not about to. "Jo?"  
  
She remained standing there, her eyes wide and not saying anything. She could not believe that he had just admitted the one thing she never thought she would hear again. He still loved her. She really could not believe what was happening. She needed to think. She needed to get out of here and think.  
  
"I . I . have to . go," she mumbled before running out.  
  
Pacey growled in annoyance as the woman he loved ran away from him. He had lost her. What was he thinking? He had never had her before his admission of love. What had he been thinking in the first place more like? He should never have even considered telling her. He was such an idiot.  
  
He reached for his nearest t-shirt and pair of pants. Putting them on, he left his boat to go and hand his notice in to his boss. He was going to leave as soon as possible.  
  
Joey was still in a state of total shock. The situation was wrong in so many different ways. Her roommate's boyfriend was in love with her. Her roommate's heart was broken because of her. Add to that the fact that Joey's own ex was still in love with her. That was why she was just completely confused.  
  
Needing some air and time alone, Joey had decided to go and sit in a local park. Pacey might come looking for her and he would never think of looking for her here. He might try and ring, but Joey could just turn off her cell if he did, or ignore him. She soon found herself wondering to whom Pacey had turned. She, herself could never have admitted to loving someone without first discussing it in depth with someone before hand. Personally, Joey would turn to either Dawson or Pacey and quite possibly Audrey. She was not sure to whom Pacey would turn though. Dawson? No, not after the last time Pacey had fallen in love with Joey.  
  
She should not be worried about to whom Pacey had turned. She should not even worry about Audrey. What Joey should be thinking about was Pacey's admission.  
  
He loved her.  
  
Pacey Witter was in love with her, Josephine Potter.  
  
She was not sure how she felt about it all.  
  
Getting fed up, Joey put her head in her hands and leaned forward slightly. She was sitting on a bench in the park, the first bench that she had come to. She had no idea where exactly she was or what the weather was like. She felt like she was in limbo, unable to feel anything or think straight. What she really needed was someone to talk to. Who, though?  
  
"Jo?"  
  
Joey looked up when she heard a familiar voice. Standing in front of her was Jack McPhee. He looked like he was in the middle of a jog, wearing slacks and a loose t-shirt. She had wanted someone to talk to and, unlike all of her other friends, Jack had no hidden agenda when it came to Joey's heart.  
  
"Hey, Jack," she greeted.  
  
"You okay?" Jack asked, moving to sit on the bench next to her.  
  
"No, not really." Joey's answer was simply said.  
  
"What's up?" Jack asked, his concern for his friend increasing ten-fold.  
  
"What would you do if the boyfriend of a good friend admitted that they loved you and not their girlfriend?" Joey asked, unable to name names.  
  
"Oh my God!" Jack replied, receiving a shocked look from Joey. "Dawson's in love with you?!"  
  
Joey's brow furrowed slightly. "What?" Then she figured out how he could get confused. "No. What would you do?"  
  
"If it's not Dawson, then who?" Jack asked. He was glad that it was not Dawson, Jack was not sure he could handle their small friendship group going through another love triangle.  
  
"What would you do, Jack? What would you do if he dumps your friend and then admits he loves you?"  
  
"I'd decide if I loved him." Jack paused, continuing when Joey looked at him curiously. "You can't change the fact that he loves you and he can't date your friend while being in love with you." He rubbed her arm softly. "It has nothing to do with you that this guy dumped his girl. You can't help it, or change it."  
  
"But I still feel bad."  
  
"And so you should, but you shouldn't dwell on it. If he is in love with you then it's better he broke-up with her, rather than lead her on. First you have to decide if you do love him, then you have to decide whether or not to act on it."  
  
"I don't know, Jack, I really don't know and I'm scared that if I don't act soon, he'll leave."  
  
"Two things," Jack said, "first, who is it? And second, you're *scared* he'll leave. Doesn't that tell you something, Jo?"  
  
"It's not that simple."  
  
"Explain it to me then."  
  
"It's Pacey." She did not say anything more as she waited for a reaction from him. After a few minutes when he failed to say anything, Joey continued. "He broke up with Audrey last night, broke her heart and made her run away home. I went around to his, trying to find out why he tore her heart out and stomped on it. I found out it was because he is still in love with me. I didn't stick around to hear anything more and so I left." She paused again. "I think he might leave town soon." She whispered sadly.  
  
"Does that bother you?" Jack asked.  
  
There was a brief silence before Joey spoke. "I . I'm not sure."  
  
"What are you feeling right now?"  
  
"Confusion and shock. I don't know what to think. I don't want to make this decision without thinking about it. I don't want to rush into anything or go so slowly that I lose him and regret it. And I have to think about Audrey in all this."  
  
"No, you don't. Do you want to spend spring break away from him, with the possibility of him not being here when you get back?"  
  
"I don't know," Joey shrugged her shoulders. "I don't know what I feel or what I want. Why did he have to go and throw a huge spanner in the works?"  
  
"What do you want me to say, Jo?" Jack grinned softly while getting to his feet. "That you should run after him, or that you should let him leave? I can't say either of them. All I can say is what's the harm in spending spring break with a very good friend? And if you love someone you shouldn't have to *think* about whether you love him, you should just know."  
  
Joey sighed deeply, looking up at Jack. She nodded slowly. She knew that he was right.  
  
"Anything else I can help you with?" he asked.  
  
"Guess not," she whispered.  
  
"Jo, I wish I could help you more, but."  
  
"It's okay. I know that it's my decision, that no one else can make up my mind for me."  
  
"So, think you'll be with us lot this spring break? Or staying here with Pacey?"  
  
"I'm not going to fall for that one, Jack. I don't know yet and I don't think you'll be the first to know."  
  
"Okay," Jack said reluctantly before adding, "Any hints?"  
  
Pacey walked along the decking to the boat. He had just been to get food to last him until the next port. He would be underway within the hour. He had handed in his resignation and asked the owner of the boat he lived on if he could take it for a short sail. He had to return the boat by summer for the owner to go on holiday. Pacey would decide his next move when that time came.  
  
He had considered phoning Joey a hundred times or more. Each time he had picked up his cell, pulled up her number and was about to hit dial when he wimped out. All he did know at the moment was that he was about to set sail into the sunset and never look back. There was nothing keeping him here anymore. Audrey hated him. Joey did not love him. His relationship with Dawson had not been the same since Pacey had fallen for Joey. That only really left Jen and Jack.  
  
Maybe Pacey would have better luck at the next port.  
  
He climbed onto his boat and placed the 2 bags of food he had just bought down. He then began the preparations to set sail. Just as he was nearly ready a voice spoke from the decking.  
  
"I thought you might already have left." Pacey looked up to see Joey standing there.  
  
"I didn't think you'd show." There was a long silent pause as the two teenagers stared each other in the eyes. Pacey sighed. "But you're not here to come with me, are you? You're here to say goodbye." His voice was laced with emotion.  
  
"I'm sorry, Pacey." Joey looked down at her feet. "It's not as simple as it used to be."  
  
"There was nothing simple about the first time you came away with me." He could not help the anger the flooded his voice.  
  
"I have college to think about. I can't just up and leave it." She lifted her voice slightly.  
  
"Well, if that's." he paused, thinking about what she had said. "Why aren't you coming with me, Jo?" His voice was calm again.  
  
Joey smiled slightly. "I have college to think about. I can't just up and leave it. Not for you, not for anyone. I have worked hard to get here."  
  
"That's the only reason why?" he asked. He had been sure that her reasons were because she no longer felt anything but friendship for him.  
  
Joey nodded. "Now, if you were to say we could go away for Spring Break to spend some time alone, to see if we can work better this time. Well, then the answer would be different."  
  
A large grin spread across Pacey's face and his eyes lit up. Hope filled his entire being as he looked at the woman he loved so much. The sun was shining on her face and a wide grin matched his. "Ms. Potter, would you kindly accompany me on Spring Break?"  
  
There was no answer from Joey as she climbed onto the boat, walking over to Pacey and stopping affront of him. She looked him in the eyes and saw all of the love that he held for her, she knew that she had the same look in her eyes. She knew they would be okay.  
  
She could feel his breathing get faster as she moved her hands up to cup his face. She inched her lips closer and he engulfed her in his arms. There lips met in a hungry and much needed kiss.  
  
Jack walked in through the back door of the house he shared with Jen, Grams, and Dawson at the moment. There should not be anyone else home so Jack headed over to the phone to see if anyone had called. There was one message waiting. Jack hit the play button and Joey's voice was heard.  
  
"Jack, thought you should be the second to know. I won't be joining you on Spring Break. I'm going sailing instead."  
  
Jack smiled as the message ended. He just knew that this time they would be happy.  
  
The end. 


End file.
